An Incomplete Post…..

This is something I wrote sometime ago but failed to complete. Now I just can’t be bothered.

Ok, that’s it. I attended my eighth marriage function within the last two months and I’m burping in my sleep. The cost of the shirts I had to buy would amount to the GDP of a small country.

Engagements are charming affairs, I must say. Especially when the to-be groom goes down on one knee and proposes to his dearly beloved after the wedding halls have been booked and the gust lists finalized. Fascinating.

I like weddings because you can drink like Nicolas Cage in “Leaving Las Vegas” and not get noticed. That is until the bridesmaid whom you have been eyeing since the engagement comes and tells you at the home-coming that she saw you drinking like Cage in “Leaving Las Vegas”.

Anyway, with great difficulty I have compiled a list of ten thing I love and hate about marriage functions during office time.

10 Things I love.

1. Make up – Starting from the 25 year old bride to her 80 year old grand ma thank the Egyptians everyday for inventing make up. Make up do really work. Take my word for it. Make up do get ugly people laid. Take my word for it.
2. Billa music – After O/L and A/L batch parties’ finish you get only weddings where you can get hammered and dance like a retard to Billa. A good billa session really puts me in a good mood.
3. Alcohol – In the old days finding out the bride was not a virgin would disgrace the family. Now running out of booze during the wedding is a disgrace on the family.
4. Brides’ maids – The only chicks who consciously makes an effort to look second best. Friendly as long as the best man is ugly as fuck or you don’t get noticed drinking like Nicolas Cage.
5. The Parents – Sweetest out of the lot. They inquire about my leg. I tell them the story. They ask me who’s looking after me. They tell me about the trouble they went to bring up their daughter. Her driving. Her social life. About the groom. And many more. This is also the first time I met them. Sweet.
6. Brightly light ballrooms – I love a grand ballroom and I hate candle lit weddings. Reminds me of the house of horrors we use to do for the college fair, only difference being I’m too old to pinch butt.
7. Meeting weird people – Part of a conversation is as follows.

Weird chappy : Hi machaan.

Me : Hey much.

Akward silence.

Me : So much, where do you work?

Weird chappy : I work for “Soththiys” (or some weird ass name like that).

Me : So what does he do?

Weird chappy : Soththiys is an advertising company.

Me : Right. So who are your clients.

Weird chappy : I did the Siddalepa campaign in Mogadishu (or some weird ass campaign that sounded similar).

Me : Interesting.

Weird chappy : So machaan, did your check the chicks out?

Me : eeerr….ummm….yeah.

Weird chappy : Think we could get laid tonight?

Me : Think – Not when you smell like an asshole with dentures. Say – Of course dude.

Weird chappy : So take your pick.

Me : Huh?

Weird chappy : Go on pick your girl.

Me : You go first.

Weird chappy : That one in the sky blue saree.

Me : Think – Hey that’s my cousin. Think again – I love these social situations. Say – Hey that’s a hot chick. Wanna bet your car on who she’ll leave with?

(I don’t even own a unicycle)

Weird chappy : See that you’re a betting man. Your on.

We have very different approaches. He starts chatting up a chick. I text my cousin saying I’m tired and ask her for a lift home. God just doesn’t like some people.

8.

10 Things I hate

1. Wedding bands – I hate wedding bands. Most of them sound like Paul Simon stuck inside a vending machine. Trying to get out of course. Baring a few who can actually carry off a good billa session.

2. Toasts – More often than not toasts make me cringe. Last toast I heard gave me the life story of both bride and groom. How the bride attended Ladies college and was the captain of the skipping team. I think. She had obtained her bachelors from either Kings, Queens or Jacks college in UK. How she had made friends with Jacky from USA, Jonny from Scotland and Chappy from Soththiys….….aaaaaahg!!!!

3. Galadhari Hotel – The chandeliers gives me a headache.

4. Aunties who come and sit next to you when uncle is dancing with a bridesmaid – I don’t have anything else other than work, marital status (invariably comes up) and leg to make conversation with them. Nine times out of ten I change seats when they go looking for their divorcée daughter/neice/friend (yuck!) to make introductions.