Friday, January 26, 2007

Dhoom Machale

Today, I watched my 6th Hindi film. For a guy who lived and dated in Delhi for three years, that’s saying a lot. Back then, I was dating this girl who though that Sharuk Khans shit came from Givenchy! Imagine the excuses I had tome come up with, week after week! Anyway, I watched Dhoom 2. Free tickets, if you must know. Now here’s my take on the whole thing.

Characters

  • The Good guy – A “sevala” cop. Nice and friendly to chicks and attitude to guys kinda guy. Looks nothing like the kaki clad, pot bellied geezers you see during cricket matches. Wears denims, t-shirts, baseball caps. Oh yeah, and a really cool wristwatch. Baddie has eluded him for so long that catching him has become an obsession. The hint that he’s also gay. Even after teaming up with a smokin’ hot former college mate, who would light up a rain forest, he can only think of catching the Baddie.

  • The Baddie – Thief cum master brain inventor (and maybe part time male striper). Looks like a Greek god with a rub on tan and a waxed chest. Would also be popular in prison. Likes to break in to a dance when feeling good about something and likes to cry a bit. Also a little gender confused (likes to dance around in scarf’s and boob tops).

  • The Funny sidekick – Works out a lot at the gym for a sidekick. At least the upper body anyway. Seen most of the time riding a very cool bike. Comes out funny. Twice. Not gay. Potential dodgeball champion.

  • Smokin’ hottie – OH MY FUCKING GOD!! That midriff is to die for. Can you believe that there is a part she’s hand cuffed to a chair? Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but man, I telling you! Former college pal of good guy. Now herself a cop. Anybody who doesn’t hit on her is gay. Take my word for it. You see her in micro minis, boob tops, two piece swim suit (mind you, none of that towel wrapped around the waist shit!) and every imaginable garment, from a guys perspective of course.

  • Hottie – Again, oh, my god! Full lips, a narrow waist and an extremely cute tush. Ex- thief, now working with the cops to infiltrate the baddie. She can infiltrate me anytime. Can’t play basket ball to save her soul. Have a feeling that she thinks that basketball and netball are the same thing. But then who would care with that kinda tush.


Scene 1 - Baddie disguises himself as the queen to nick the crown jewels while traveling on a train in, what looks like, somewhere in the Middle East. I’m not quite sure queen of what but I have a strong suspicion that it is of drag. Baddie steals the jewels and fights all the queens’ men on top of the train with what looks like that regiform board you dog peddle with when you first start swimming. Here, it’s made out of bulletproof steel and not Arpico regiform for your information. Then you will see our Baddie sand bladeing at the back of the train before bouncing back on to the train top, with a Matrix type burst to fight more of queens’ men. Baddie also give a “don’t mess with me” kinda look every two minutes. Super cool.


Secene 2 - Introduction of good guy and sidekick. Takes place in the middle of a muddy lake. Sidekick does a “Fast and the Furious” number and lands on top of a boat on his bike. Then gets caught selling fake dope. Good guy springs out of the lake on a jet ski as if the Lochness monster farted him out and shoots all the baddies surrounding his friend. Our good cop also gets a call from his very pregnant wife asking him to bring fish in the middle of all this.


Secene 3 - Starts with Smokin’ Hottie at the shooting range. Cleavage, cleavage and more cleavage. Did the guy who invented the wonder bra ever win the noble prize? If he didn’t, he should have. Between introductions, she somehow manages to cuff herself to a chair. We are told that good guy and Smokin’ Hottie belong to the class of ’96. Both apparently hot and popular when they were younger. I believe her.


Scene 4 - Smokin’ Hottie is briefing her fellow cops on baddie. She uses some kind of high tech projection screen, which has random numbers in green running top down from the left of the screen (maybe the numbers are a countdown to the next song). Apparently no patterns and no way of knowing where baddie will strike next. But wait…no, there is a pattern according to our good guy. Wow! He has figured out a pattern with the dates on which baddie has nicked something. Smokin’ Hottie is very impressed (it would have been enjoyable for all of us if she decided to show it by flashing her bosom at him but no such luck). Then he takes over the briefing and tells everybody where our Greek god Baddie is going to strike next.


Scene 5 - Baddie steals a diamond using cool stuff. First he camouflages himself as a wall carving. Impressive shit, I must say. Then uses a mini lunar buggy to steal the diamond from under the feet of security guards carrying sub-machine guns. Then he uses a laser light to project a diamond. All coolie-smoothie like. Nice. Our poor Baddie gets caught trying to escape. But thanks to him hanging out at the sets of Matrix, he does a few back flips and round house kicks and escapes. Smokin’ Hottie seen answering a Sony Ericsson walkman phone. I just notice her everywhere.


Scene 6 - Baddie hears that he has a copycat. Baddie waits for his copycat at the place it had told the press it is going to nick some kind of antique sword. Baddie teaches his copycat how to steal the sword. Copycat almost gets caught trying to escape but thanks to our “Hindustani Neo” Baddie, gets away with him.


Scene 7 - Copy cat asks Baddie to be her partner. Baddie says no. Copycat strips to see that it’s Hottie in spaghetti straps and denim shorts. If I were Baddie, one blowjob would have fixed things. Now I’m thinking that Baddie is gay too. She says please and being the big pussy, he says no. I just don’t get it. If she lets me mount her, I would make her shareholder not just partner! Anyway, Baddie walks away flatly refusing her.


Scene 8 - Baddie finally realizes what he had missed and come back to find Hottie. He meets up with her at a basketball court and challenges her to a game in the rain. You know what crime is dude?! All my Hindi films had rain and bosoms and yet no nipple!! Can you believe it?!! It’s like having a hot dog with out the dog in the bun. Man, the difference titties would have made to that scene. Would have been the most exciting basket ball game I had watched. Fuck ESPN. Anyway, the scene ends with Baddie and Hottie making up and not making out. Told you he was a pussy.


Intermission.