Me & My Green Underpants.

Past few months were a fucking killer. And the next few months don’t look too good either. Work, eat, and sleep. Work, eat, sleep and nothing beyond that. Ok, maybe a bit of gamming here and there. Went out for a welcome drink yesterday. Oh man, didn’t that whiskey taste good! Almost as good as sucking on a new tit. Fuck, it’s been so long that I can hardly remember what that feels like. Anyway moving away from my sex life or rather the lack of it, I saw a hen party unfold yesterday. The guys I met up with were colleagues of the chick who was getting married and was planning a male strip show where one was going in as a stripper. This reminded me of a certain hen party I was involved in, in a different lifetime.

To begin with, it was the same scean; a female colleague was getting married. This was not your average female colleague. She was maybe as tall as me and well built. Had the physique of a swimmer from OZ. Ok, maybe not but close. Her alcohol capacity impressed me too. I mean nothing that went down ever came up and she use to beat some male colleagues at Tequila rounds. The worst thing that could happen to you is to challenge V for a Tequila binge and loose. Whole of next week you will be bombarded with insults that you just cannot find your official mail in you inbox. But after two had been made to eat dirt by V, the guys wised up. Those were days where every Thursday was CH & Clancy’s. We all simply loved her.

So anyway, V was getting married and was having her hen party at Lalos’, her cousin, place, whom we also knew. I still can recall how it all started. Lalo gives me a call a week before the wedding.

“Hey H, how’s it hanging?”

“More on to the left these days.” That’s me the cocky one.

I get a ‘fuck off men’.

“Do you know any male strippers?”

I’m like “Which part of me looks like a pimp to you?”

No, no men and she reels off on this hen party thing. Now where would a god-fearing man like me, get male strippers from? And I don’t give it a second thought.

Later the same afternoon, I’m having a smoke behind our office with Buds. I remember the call and I relate the conversation to him. I see Buds latching on to every word of mine. At the end of the story Buds asks me,

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Yes but I’m not quite sure whether I have the balls to do it.”

Buds is fucking crazy, on the other hand I didn’t have any plans that Saturday night. So I convince myself to do it for kicks and experience. I was sure that I was going tell it to the world on an anonymous blog 6 years later. I was going to be a male stripper.

Next week my confidence levels reach great heights. Five of us, including Lalo, plan the whole thing. We agreed to stop at underwear level. I was quite firm in not showing my crown jewels off. Not to V anyway. Buds was willing to go a notch below and moon the crowd. I can remember Lalo making him stand up and check his shaker out. Can’t remember whether he passed or not. Getting costumes ready was a bitch. Everybody was to bring whatever he or she could find and meet up at Lalos’ place. When we met up surprisingly there was quite a collection of stuff. Ranging from silky bathrobes to a black leather cap. Buds and I were going to be in masks. The absolute last thing I wanted to show in there was my face. We had a choice between a green Frankenstein, an Ewoke, and if I can remember correctly, Count Dracula. We immediately went for the Frankenstein and the Ewoke coz we were sure that you could recognize the wearer of the Count as there was quite a big opening for the mouth. After an hour or two we finally decided on what we were going wear. I now can’t remember what Buds wore. I was donned in (I warn you against imagining this) an Ewok mask, a blue Hawaiian shirt on top of a shiny blue waistcoat, blue track bottoms, black Addidas sneakers and green underpants. The underpants were mine, just for the record.

Then came the moves. This was fun. Every thing from Village People to Bonny M to Hindi films was reviewed. I think I added in a few moves myself. We practiced our number for around one hour and we were ready for war.

The following Saturday came by too quickly. Around seven my confidence was at an all time low. And I knew that chicks smell the lack of confidence like Great Whites smell blood. So I had to either get in swing or get ready for a Tiger Woods swing. We meet up at Buds place and have few neat shots of Vodka from his dads booze collection. I felt my blood start running again. We got donned up. Two guys helping two guys dress up would have felt very different under different circumstances. In around forty-five minutes we are all dolled up except for the masks. It was very hot under mask. We have a few more shots while waiting for Lalos call. We get the ring-cut at 10.30 and we start heading down to Gregory’s road. Buds give Lalo another ring-cut. That was her que to come meet us at the gate. We meet her at the front gate and head straight to the back door. I can here the music blasting away. My high was coming down and so was my confidence. I was numb. I was still comfortable but not as confident as I was. If I don’t get this over and done with soon, I’m going to chicken out. We were given our instructions in the servants’ quarters. The DJ will start playing La Bamba by Los Lobos and suddenly there will be a power failure. During which time Lalo will escort us to a coffee table on which we will have to start our number. We creep in to the house. Buds hits his shin on the coffee table and cringe in pain. I’m like; great this is all going according to plan. We get on top and are ready. I’m pissing in my pants and the worst part it is that, it will be seen in a few minutes.

Suddenly the lights come back on again. We stood there motionless for what seemed like eternity. Come on DJ, play that god damn funky fucking music for crying out loud!!!!! Finally Eddie Rabbit starts signing, “I love a rainy night”. There were shrieks, whistles, boos, oh my gods, woo-hoos. There would have been a lot more noises but I fail to remember now. I remember confifi being thrown at us and champagne being sprayed. We had to get all clothing items off (except for the underwear) within that song and dance our way to the bride-to-be to the tune of “I wanna sex you up” and dance with her body to body. Not exactly body-to-body but more like in front and behind her. I’m thinking that the next minute V is going to realize who I am and hold me so tight from my jewels till I take off the mask. She’s was quite capable of that.

I’m doing my job when suddenly my arse gets pinched. I was so not expecting that it made me jump and turn around. Everybody’s on an excellent high. After turning back I felt somebody tugging at my mask. Instinctively I held on to it for dear life. Then it suddenly occurred to me that pulling the mask was maybe just a distraction. The real motive might be to pull my underwear down while I was concentrating on the mask. FUCK!!!! How do I get myself in to these things???? Lalo comes to my rescue and gets whomever off my mask. We dance our way back to the coffee table to the tune of “wake me up before you go” by Wham! Somebody gets the bright idea of shoving money notes down our underwear!!!! Now, I’m like Jesus fucking Christ. Second tipper pulls back Buds underwear and suddenly lets go. Wathak!!!! The elastic slaps Buds on the crotch area. That would hurt!!! Will somebody please get that drunken cow away from the strippers!!!! Don’t come anywhere near me you psychotic freak coz I’m going kick you in the fucking kisser.

We finish our session. Lights go off and we leave the same way we came. Our stuff is in the car by the time we get to it. Everything had gone according to plan. Brilliant. Went back to Buds place and got so hammered that I slept till 12.00nn the following day. Next time I met Lalo she planted this huge kisser on my cheek and start telling me how well the whole thing had gone off. She laughs her head off when I tell her about my mask story and Buds underwear story. A week from that day we started going out and it lasted for around six months until she went and joined V in Scotland. This one’s for you Lalo, one of the best trips of my life.