Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Experimenting "Womanizing"

I’m a Neanderthal in its perfect sense when it comes to this matter. Mind you and quite proud of it too. After my mum gave up combing my hair, my hair has not sighted a comb. I shave because I belong neither to the Navy nor the Al-Qaida. I never knew that “eyebrows” and “plucking” were words used together until five years ago. I cut my nails out of fear of scratching her while climaxing. Till now I was able to fend-off any comment on my skin/eyes/ears/hair/rear view mirror/radiator/paint job with distinction. Whenever a girlfriend told me to “better maintain” myself, I went to the gym. However the world seems to have evolved. I was part of a conversation about salons at the Germany vs. Costa Rica match. Worst part was the conversation was between men. “I was a part of a conversation” would have to be the understatement of the decade. My only contribution was that I’m trying to grow a “mullet” to see whether I can carry it off. These guys knew who gave the best “blow job” (the action that takes place when you operate the hair dryer) at a particular salon. It’s been long since I gave up passing judgment on things I didn’t know; on the other hand I hate not being opinionated.

So I google “makeovers for men”. The second result is from www.sofeminine.co.uk . My first generation of unborn children died prematurely. I pack my balls back up and click. The site asks me “Have you always dreamt of finding the perfect hair cut that slims your face, opens your eyes and flatters your skin tone?” WTF??? (I haven’t dreamt of it yet but I’m sure to wet my bed thanks to you now!!!!) The only way I can imagine that happening is if the barber is a fucking rookie or a blind. No pain, no gain. So I boldly go where some men have gone before.

Next www.fashionstylist.com.au.

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Till now I wanted to get married to Martina Hingis. She finished her career at 24, if I remember correctly, fourth highest in earnings (as long as you’re in the top ten it doesn’t really matter) and has a mid-rift to die for. Us making love over the kitchen table in the morning overlooking the sea (I assume she owns a beach house) would be a Hallmark moment………..ok maybe Hustler. But now I want Susan.

I’m fascinated and mortified at the same time. Apparently it’s amazing what an image overhaul can do for your sense of energy and confidence of attitude. Image overhaul? Sense of energy? Confidance of attitude? Ingreesy, gentlemen, Ingreesy. But even a Neanderthal can understand that those three words seem like they can do a lot, especially in the chick department.

So I relate this to Shorts. She trips. “C, come with me on Saturday. We’ll go for a treatment. Don’t worry, I’ll take you”. I’m like noway hozay. Then she goes on “do you know how many men come there? There are more men than women there”. I’m like, really, good for them. “Ok we’ll just go there, you don’t have to do anything. See if you like it”. Last time I heard somebody say that, he meant Alcoholics Anonymous! I’m given a leaflet with “SOTHYS” is printed on the top right hand corner. Now that’s the kind of name you should give a male beauty treatment…..eerr……joint!!! Great going, now I’m all motivated. I open the leaflet half expecting the treatment to jump out and grab me in the face.

Instead this is what I see.

  • (W) The Lightening Institute Treatment – Proven results for a uniform complexion, translucent and luminous. (somehow I fail to come up with a reason why I would want luminous skin unless I plan on playing Elmos’ brother on Sesames street)
  • Active contour – A complete contour answer with a combination of science and nature. (I don’t understand complete contour answer. These are three different words to me)
  • Aha peel – Brighten your complexion with professional skin peeling with glycolic acid. (This I like. I like the sound of glycolic acid)
  • Flash beauty – Here comes one really long sentence I can’t be bothered typing. (Flash beauty is Flashes’ chick. Simple)
  • Hydroptimale THI3 – Hydrating system. (That’s all you need to know!)
  • Oxyliance Institute Treatment – Radiance. Vitality. Anti pollution. (Remember my dad owing a car which need this treatment)
  • Lift Defense 2 Institute Treatment – Double action firming and anti wrinkle treatment. (you can use Surf Excel as a substitute)

In a Salon.com article entitled “Meet The Metrosexual” (July 2003), Simpson said, “old-fashioned (re)productive, repressed, unmoisturized masculinity was being given the pink slip by consumer capitalism. The stoic, self-denying, modest straight male didn't shop enough. His role was to earn money for his wife to spend. So he had to be replaced by a new kind of man, one less certain of his identity and much more interested in his image. A man, in other words, who is an advertiser's walking wet dream”.

In a recent interview, Simpson goes on: “Commercially it makes perfect sense to maintain that metrosexuals are all straight. After all, advertising is trying to persuade as many men as possible to relax their sphincter muscles, cooing in their ear that there's nothing gay about being fucked by corporate consumerism. Which, ironically, is true”.

Now I’m not the kind of person to get fucked by corporate consumerism but I’m contemplating masturbating, just to know what it feels like. If I come out looking like a boiled egg after all the treatment, there’s always coffee with Shorts to look forward to.

5 comments:

sach said...

I have a friend who is a very pretty boy. He's nearly thirty but doesn't look a day over twenty one. He's a model and a chef. I know what you're thinking but no, he's straight.Really.

Anyway, this dude takes such good care of himself that I don't think I will ever get over it. I'm the kind of girl who never wears make up and goes for a haircut every once in a while so imagine how disconcerting it is to have a guy friend who is well informed in all beauty products and maintains himself so well.

When you hug him, you get the disclaimer, "don't mess my hair up". And when my better informed girlfriends discuss the newest techniques, products, etc he can very well maintain his part of the conversation. (while plain janes like myself are left in the dark)

And once I sent him an sms and waited forever for a reply. A few hours later I get a call saying "sorry machang I couldn't reply. I was getting my nails done". =)

Well, at least he has the excuse of being a model. I think it is ookkaayy for guys to 'maintain' themselves but overdoing it is just disturbing.

Anyway, each to their own.

Anonymous said...

yOU MAKE ME PROUD :d

mufee said...

iv got a couple of metro friends. So i was talking to one of them the other day, and he persuades me that they are growing in no. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with men going in for facials and matching shirt,tie and socks. Oh and getting one s eyebrows done.
T'was quite unnerving for someone who could;nt be bothered bout her slippers matching.

And he then goes on to tell me that history does repeat itself and like in the olden time ( he was referring to the Gita ) a lot more men will start wearing make up soon..

and one wonders..

Theena said...

CNN did a story on metrosexuals once. Richard Quest, of all people, wanted to know how the life of a metrosxual was.

Suffice to say, I am still recovering from the trauma.

Chaar~Max said...

I'm as Guy as guys can be, and of the opinion that they ought to be able to cut/trim (what ever you call it) their own toe/finger nails.

Girls on the other hand can go to whatever lengths to please us, or whatever excuse they may use.