I hate reality checks. Right now reality checks only tell me what I can’t do, what I can’t have and what I can’t give. They also tell me that I can go to Aussie. Fuck, I don’t even like koalas!! Last November 18th after the elections, I had to find a reason to stay back. I can remember coming in to office late, feeling completely and utterly fucked. I felt so fucked that my arse hurt. My election SMS application had not flown as much as I thought it would and worse, Ranil had lost the election. Slid down in my chair, lit up and thought what the hell is wrong with the whole thing or whether it was just me. Logged in to indi.ca to find peace to see that place was fucked too. The stupid-ass moderator kept informing about the situ in the north and the east and about people who were leaving the island. Slid so down in my chair that only the head was visible with smoke coming out of the nostrils. Thank god S walked in as chirpy as he possibly could. Had a chat on the whole thing, me in my suicidal and S in his matter-of-fact tones, both trying to find a reason to start believing again.
My phone (yes, the bitch I lost!) started playing Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I answer. God said let there be light and then there was light! I found my reason to believe. I found my reason to stay back. Em-star! My sweet, funny, darling little Em-star. The conversation ranged from Elephunk, and his mail on the petition for those who couldn’t vote, to reasons why freaks like us wouldn’t fit in any other country. I remember posting on indi.ca saying that I found my reason to stay, in a eat-your-heart-out-bitch sort of way.
Remember when Chandler on Friends kissed one of Joeys’ sisters and couldn’t remember which one he kissed? When Chandler admits crossing the line Joeys’ reaction is priceless. “You are so far away from the line that you cant even see the line”. Right now I’m so far away from the reason why I stayed back that I cant even see the reason. (Don’t ask me the connection). Been saying from then that I will take wings the day the reason is taken away from me and now the fairytale has almost come to an end. I lived in hope all my life. Now do I hope that Em-stars’ fairytale comes to an end so I can start living mine? Though I wish as hell I do, I cant. I’m a fuckhead who loves her too much to ever hope that.
That’s it; I’m off to my warm milk, calcium tabs and migration papers.
If you can’t understand this post, it IS your problem.