Yesterday my favorite aunt made what I think is a nasty comment. “C, you have never really fallen in love”. At first I dismissed this saying that she doesn’t know an electrode of what has happened in my life.
Unfortunately she decided to elaborate. “When you are in love you will not be able to dismiss people like this from your life. You will go crazy when you loose someone. You wouldn’t know how to carry on with life as it is. You’ll do everything to go the distance to make sure that both are happy. You need to feel really bad even at thought of loosing her”.
I’ve said “I love you” to three people in my entire life. Honestly. Being not the most righteous of people I have known in my life, can’t figure for the life of me why I hold these three words so dear. So every time I have actually said them were when I meant them…..…well at least when I thought I did. In my defense, all three times when things didn’t work out I felt like something you scrape off the sole of your shoe with a stick. All three times I got hammered (ODed in one instance), met somebody remotely interesting, got laid (maybe just the though of getting laid in some instances) and lived to tell a very interesting tale.
Now I’m all confused. Is “turnaround time” the only judge in falling in love? I know a lot of people who would kill (literally) to feel the same way as I do. What would you give to carry on with life as normally as possible couple of days after you have lost (presumably) the love of your life?? So why am I questioning myself? Because my entire life has been questioned over one conversation!!!! Everything I thought I believed in. I mean, here is my aunt telling me that the only three times I have actually loved a woman, I haven’t really been in love!!! That’s kind of a fuck-all trip for one weekend, don chu think?
On the other hand you love to the best of your knowledge, right? I mean you don’t go around thinking that this is how I’m going to act when I’m in love. It just happens. So I’ve loved, lost and moved on. Does that sound so aloof? So insensitive? Jesus, think I’m turning paranoid!
Turn around and ask whether I really want to meet somebody, who I’ll be crazy about and GO crazy if I do loose them? If what I already know is not love, then I’m not quite sure whether I want to be in love in the first place.
I’m not quite sure about a lot of thing happening in my life right now and when somebody says a thing like this makes me want to run around town in my Winnie-the-pooh boxers!!!!!