I hate having conversations with three wheeler drivers. Usually it’s about either the government, cost of living or cricket. After the first four conversations, you realize that you end up having the same conversation over and over again. Fucking dejavu. I’ve had my four conversations and don’t have anything more to contribute (and the ipod was invented in the mean time too).
That was until yesterday. I was on my way from office yesterday. I hailed down a three wheeler which was speeding towards Grandpass. Inside is a human hulk. I’m not quite sure whether to get in or not. I’m ordered to get in or loose my life. Courteousness was never a virtue of local drivers. So anyway, I get in. Partly due to the fear of the next guy who stopped (he looked like he kidnaps people), party coz I had the first season of “Lost” waiting for me at home (Yes, first season. After year of denial I finally gave in).
Now I’m on a bumpy and zippy ride from Grandpass to Wallawatte. A bus rams into a car in front of Colombo Uni. One thing that I have noticed about local drivers is the fact how they are ignorant about the traffic rules they break. You talk to a local driver and you will realize how many traffic rules he abides by yet have no idea how many he’s breaking. I see this as being optimistic. Anyway, now the conversation starts. I’m not quite sure how it exactly started coz I had my pod plugged in but I’m sure it has something to do with the accident. I get spoken to in English. And extremely good English at that. I get asked all sorts of questions that make me feel like I’m at a job interview.
“Sir, where do you work?”
I tell him.
“Sir, what do you do there?”
The only thing I seem not to do there is what I’m asked to do.
“Sir, do they give you a car?”
I give him a synopsis of my last year.
Then the conversation takes a dramatic twist.
“Sir, do you have a girl?”
WTF??!!! I’m not quite sure how to and why I should answer that. There should be a law against asking questions like that. Me being the sod I am, have this retarded habit of justifying everything I say. So I’m like “No….I mean I had.”
“These girls come and go sir; it’s very hard to find a good girl”
I’m like “ok”.
“Don’t worry sir, you look innocent. You will find a good girl”
Shut the fuck up dude. I will smack you on the head if you promise not to punch seven shades of shit out of me.
“eeerr….thank you”
“I have had enough girls sir. Enough”
Now what are you trying do? Make me feel bad just because I haven’t had my fill?!!!
“I’ve had girls up to here (making a level sign in front of his nose)!! All are bitches who are after your money!!”
They would be, if you told them that you would pay them for their services. Idiot.
“eer…really?”
“I will just fuck them like this (holding his nose), like this sir; and throw them away!!”
At this point I gave up trying to understand him. I assume he has had some bad experience with body odor. I dig you dude, I so dig you.
Somehow, later it dawned on me that it has nothing to do with odor. This guy has some serious issues!! This guy needs some serious closure on a bad relationship. I was told about what a disgrace, women are to human kind. That they evaluate men on what kind of car they drive and what kind of house you own.
Shit!! I’m going to die alone at a bus stand.
After seeing my dads’ name on the gate he asks me hundred questions about the man. I get off but not fast enough. He asks me for my number. I get off the ride giving my old number and run to the safety of the house.
“Sir, where do you work?”
I tell him.
“Sir, what do you do there?”
The only thing I seem not to do there is what I’m asked to do.
“Sir, do they give you a car?”
I give him a synopsis of my last year.
Then the conversation takes a dramatic twist.
“Sir, do you have a girl?”
WTF??!!! I’m not quite sure how to and why I should answer that. There should be a law against asking questions like that. Me being the sod I am, have this retarded habit of justifying everything I say. So I’m like “No….I mean I had.”
“These girls come and go sir; it’s very hard to find a good girl”
I’m like “ok”.
“Don’t worry sir, you look innocent. You will find a good girl”
Shut the fuck up dude. I will smack you on the head if you promise not to punch seven shades of shit out of me.
“eeerr….thank you”
“I have had enough girls sir. Enough”
Now what are you trying do? Make me feel bad just because I haven’t had my fill?!!!
“I’ve had girls up to here (making a level sign in front of his nose)!! All are bitches who are after your money!!”
They would be, if you told them that you would pay them for their services. Idiot.
“eer…really?”
“I will just fuck them like this (holding his nose), like this sir; and throw them away!!”
At this point I gave up trying to understand him. I assume he has had some bad experience with body odor. I dig you dude, I so dig you.
Somehow, later it dawned on me that it has nothing to do with odor. This guy has some serious issues!! This guy needs some serious closure on a bad relationship. I was told about what a disgrace, women are to human kind. That they evaluate men on what kind of car they drive and what kind of house you own.
Shit!! I’m going to die alone at a bus stand.
After seeing my dads’ name on the gate he asks me hundred questions about the man. I get off but not fast enough. He asks me for my number. I get off the ride giving my old number and run to the safety of the house.
Some people are just under utilized.
7 comments:
Sin men, I’m sure the poor man thought you were a good listener(and that you are), but then he asked for your number and he did say he was not into the female race any longer, i would be worried;)
Hey but i so get you on the topics of conversation, but i must say i did learn something about traffic police from a regular TW guy.
sometimes when you yap with them for a bit, they reduce the fare poddak..:)
i try to avoid talking to strangers as much as I can... it frightens me sometimes.. so when questions are asked, I just answer and get busy with a call or something... and avoid talking to people I dont know..
But machang.. he knows where u live :D Potential tuk tuk driver cum stalkers should be mislead by YOU, getting off near the wrong house :)
Oh yeah, 3 wheel drivers strike up those same conversations over and over. They probably feel lonely traveling around a tuk tuk the whole time. The best thing to do is always travel in 2s or 3s and converse with your friends as soon as you get in.
Failing that make your phone ring and have a running conversation with yourself :)
teeheehee... i realise i'm about a year late but daaaaamn thats funny :D
This is just too funny -- and its so urban-new york city. It fits in quite with the cab driver stereotype, only funnier and real. I like your blog -- it showcases a lot of sri lankan talent, including yours. If you got time, check out my video at http://www.delonmusic.com - and let me know what you think, drop a comment in my blog. Maybe, we can collaborate? Thanks and have a good one.
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